The Crossfit Conspiracy

When performed by males, Crossfit is the definition of faggotry. No serious gym rat is impressed by 30 kipping pullups or how far you can throw a medicine ball. We don’t care that you claim to be the “fittest on Earth” take your 13 inch arms to a real crossfit facility, one that charges 200 dollars a month and doesn’t care if you piss all over yourself doing double unders (yes that actually happens). If you're too poverty to sign up at one of the thousands of “boxes” across the country maybe you should consider normal exercises that produce real gains, unless you're a girl. 

For the same reasons Crossfit is a terrible training style for men, it’s perfect for women. The same high rep, high intensity, training that makes men look like they broke out of a concentration camp in Nazi Germany gives women the slim, athletic body they desire. Women are like puppies, they need to be properly trained or they will never learn anything. When placed in your typical gym setting, women are lost. They’re scared of free weights for fear of getting “too big” and tend to head straight for the treadmill for 15 minutes of light jogging. Sorry ladies but that’s not gonna cut it, especially when your post workout meal is mac and cheese followed buy a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s. You need guidance, and you need some real intensity, this is where Crossfit shines. Every crossfit instructor has spent thousands of dollars to earn their “Level 1” a certification that real trainers laugh at. This makes them qualified to make you complete whatever bullshit circuit they can think of. Generally these WOD’s involve some kind of hybrid olympic lift, or squats, or something that’s going make the ass fat, which is ideal. There is also some kind of brainwashing going on that makes both men and women alike believe that Crossfit is the only way to train. I believe they call this “functional strength”. All jokes aside, every crossfit gym is just pumping out smokeshow’s here are just a few examples.

(For some reason they all wear these gay socks)

Now of course they’re are gonna be a few freaks at the upper end of the spectrum, but those bitches have more free testosterone flowing through their bodies than an entire high school football team. Super setting box jumps with pulls from a handle of cheap vodka is the key to success for any college girl who’s looking to get gang banged in Daytona Beach over spring break. I’d like to give a special thanks to all Crossfit Gym owners across the country for getting  these heavenly blessed beauties into the gym and away from netflix and frappuccinos.